


Your Brains Are No Match For My Tractorbeam

by Chash



Series: Tractorbeam [1]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Dork Jensen, F/M, M/M, sitcom situations, social maladjustment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-29
Updated: 2011-09-29
Packaged: 2017-10-24 04:03:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/258791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chash/pseuds/Chash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU, based on <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0898266/">The Big Bang Theory</a>.  Jensen is a socially awkward but happy theoretical physicist, Jared is an aspiring actor, and everyone sucks at relationships pretty damn hard.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, for [](http://fics4books.livejournal.com/profile)[**fics4books**](http://fics4books.livejournal.com/), I offered a story from 5000 to 10000 words, because that seemed doable to me. [](http://therealw.livejournal.com/profile)[**therealw**](http://therealw.livejournal.com/) and [](http://speakfree.livejournal.com/profile)[**speakfree**](http://speakfree.livejournal.com/) got in touch with me and were like "We have a fic we'd love to get, but it would be longer than that! Could we work something out?" And we love charity, so we did, and now we have this fic, which was their brainchild. Title taken from "Your Brains vs. My Tractorbeam," by Say Hi To Your Mom.

Jensen Ackles generally considers himself to be a pretty self-aware guy.

He's a nerd. There's no denying this; honestly, he doesn't _want_ to deny this. His mother will sometimes tell him that nerds are in, in a kind of worried, encouraging way, but that's not why Jensen doesn't mind being one. He doesn't care about being in. He cares about living a happy life, and being a really ridiculously advanced physicist and nerd is an important part of that happy life, because he's validated by getting awards.

Jensen knows he'll never be the most popular guy in a room, but he's got friends and colleagues a job and a life, so he doesn't worry much about the rest of the world.

Then, a new guy moves in across the hall.

Jensen came out to his parents during college with a lecture and a slideshow. He remembers his entire speech, which covered the problems with reproduction in an already overpopulated world and the benefits of an openly homosexual Nobel Prize winner for the gay community, and had ended with: "In conclusion, I think I'm gay."

"Honey, do you like men?" his mother asked gently.

"As much as I like anyone," Jensen said.

"Well, what makes you think you're gay?"

"I'm in college," said Jensen. "It's normal to discover your sexual preferences during college."

"You're _eleven_ ," said his mother.

"I don't know what that has to do with anything."

And his mother had said she supported him whatever he wanted to do, but she thought Jensen should really give it some more thought. At eighteen, he'd conducted an experiment that involved sleeping with two women and two men (the experiment had taken about six months, all told, because finding four people to sleep with him proved difficult) and concluded that while he had nothing against women, he preferred men, but could probably go without either without much trouble. And for the most part, he does--it's more trouble than it's worth, getting people to have sex with him. Especially given that, with precise calculations of pressure and angle, Jensen has found the most scientifically optimal ways to get himself off, and no one else is ever willing to take the time to learn them.

But the guy who's moving in across the hall makes Jensen's desire for actual human company reassert itself with fierce determination.

He's got a broad back, wide shoulders, great ass--a pretty much perfect specimen of a man.

And then he turns around and grins, and Jensen starts chanting the periodic table under his breath to get some focus that isn't on the guy's dimpled face and/or strong pectorals and/or tight jeans.

The guy's grin falters and he moves to confusion. "Are you okay?"

"Uh," says Jensen. "Hi. You're, uh, moving in?"

"Yeah," says the guy. "Just signed my lease. I'm Jared." He holds out a remarkably large hand, and if Jared is proportional, Jensen is already in awe of his penis. Because, scientifically speaking? Size matters. And this Jared guy, he's huge.

"I know, I got the tall genes," says Jared, flushing and grinning.

Jensen really needs to work on keeping his thoughts in his head. At least it doesn't sound like he actually mentioned Jared's penis. "Jensen," says Jensen, shaking Jared's hand. "I live here."

Jensen is stupidly, horribly self-conscious now. He can feel every stupid thing he's wearing tingling. He knows he's not an unattractive guy--he's decently tall with a pretty good body for how little he works out, and a face that some people consider attractive. Personally, he thinks he's disproportionate and a little strange, but he doesn't mind.

Today he's wearing an Aquaman shirt--unfortunate, as Aquaman isn't one of the more respected superheroes--over a green long-sleeved shirt with plaid pants. It's a very _him_ look, but something about beautiful people makes Jensen want to not be himself. And Jared is one of the most beautiful people Jensen's ever seen.

He pushes his glasses up on his nose, and his glasses are just one more bad decision--he got the David Tennant as the Tenth Doctor style, thick black plastic frames that he thought were awesome on Ten, but don't really suit him. But it's not worth it to buy a new pair until his prescription changes, so now he looks like the giant dork that he is in front of _Jared_ , who's unbelievably attractive.

Jared's still smiling at him, bright dimples and glinting eyes. Jensen swallows. "Uh. Hi," he says.

"You said that," says Jared, looking bemused. "You been living here long?"

"Three-hundred-seventeen days. And four hours."

"Wow," says Jared. "You keep really good track."

"I moved in the day _The Bionic Woman_ premiered," says Jensen.

"Oh," says Jared. "That's cool. Uh...you don't wanna help me move some boxes, do you?"

Jensen doesn't, but he also doesn't want to go into his apartment alone and obsess about the hot guy outside, so he agrees.

He watches Jared hoist one of the boxes up, effortlessly, and Jensen is pretty sure, given how much that box weighs, Jared could probably lift _Jensen_ just as easily.

Jensen shakes the equations and images out of his head.

He's so screwed.

Except he's not.

*

Jensen helps Jared with his boxes and comes up with several more efficient transportation methods that involve ideal angles and levers. Jared looks a little baffled and finally says, "So, you're a science guy?"

"Theoretical physicist."

"Theoretical?" asks Jared, wrinkling his brow. "So you do stuff that...might happen?"

Jensen scowls. "Hey! Many of the most accomplished minds in history were theoretical physicists. Newton, Einstein, Heisenberg, Fermi, Schrödinger..."

Jared puts up his hands, looking a little scared. "Sorry, sorry. I wasn't, uh, demeaning your profession or anything."

Jensen rubs the back of his neck. He knows he's not the most socially adjusted person in the world--he's really fucking smart, of course he knows that. But knowing that and being able to stop being awkward are two different things. "It's okay," he says. "I'm just used to people being jerks about it."

Jared smiles again and Jensen is momentarily incapable of functioning. "Hey, man, I get it. I'm trying to be an actor. No one respects my career aspirations."

"Trying?" asks Jensen. "So what are you?"

"Waitress," says Jared, smiling sheepishly.

"The gender-neutral term is waitron," says Jensen immediately.

"Yeah, but that sounds retarded," Jared replies slowly.

"It's politically correct," says Jensen.

"Never mind," says Jared. "Hey, uh--"

"Hey, douchebag!" Jensen feels a heavy hand on his shoulder and there's Chad.

Chad is an engineer and a pretty indefensible human being. He still lives with his mother, which Jensen considers unfair to everyone involved. He also spends a lot of time on the internet, trying to become familiar with plebeian slang. Jensen privately things that anyone who refers to the way regular people talk as "plebeian slang" will never really be familiar with it.

"Friend of yours?" asks Jared, looking amused.

"Whoa," says Chad, blinking at Jared from behind Jensen. "When'd you get hot friends, Jensen?"

Chad is bisexual for reasons that have nothing to do with the good of mankind and everything to do with being horny and desperate. Jensen doesn't disrespect Chad for this choice, exactly, but he doesn't like the way Chad's staring at Jared like he's a piece of meat. He understands the impulse, of course, but Chad's just so _blatant_.

"This is Chad," says Jensen, rubbing his face. "We're colleagues."

"Bitch, you love me."

"You're a theoretical physicist?" asks Jared, sounding wary. Jared is clearly a discerning person; he knows there's no way Chad could be a theoretical physicist.

"Like hell," says Chad. "Engineer."

"Is that supposed to be better?" asks Jared. Jensen could kiss him. Except that would be too socially awkward, even for him.

"It's totally better."

"Where's Gabe?" asks Jensen, mostly to try to distract Chad from making weird flirty eyes at Jared. On the bright side, Jared looks pretty grossed out.

"Bringing the food up."

Jensen thinks fast. "We're having takeout and watching _Babylon 5_ ," he tells Jared. "You're welcome to join us."

"Food?" asks Jared, grinning. "I'm in."

"You can sit next to me," says Chad with a leer.

"I can sit next to Jensen," says Jared, edging closer.

Maybe Chad's not such a bad guy to have around after all.

"Hey, guys, I got Thai. Are we starting with season one beca--" Gabe cuts himself off as soon as he notices Jared; he just goes totally quiet.

Jensen should have seen this coming. Gabe is pretty short for a guy, scrawny and still wary of being beaten up by bigger kids. As a result, he's painfully shy, even by nerd standards, which Jensen considers pretty irrational, given he's far more socially adjusted than, say, Chad.

Still, Gabe can't really talk around tall people, Hispanics, women, or the handicapped. Jensen asked for an explanation of this once, and Gabe broke out a powerpoint presentation about how various factors in his childhood had logically and unstoppably lead to his current social phobias. It had been impressive, but Jensen felt it relied too heavily on pop-psychology to be truly scientifically proven.

"Hi," Jared tries, giving Gabe a smile. "I'm Jensen's new neighbor."

"This tool doesn't talk around tall dudes," says Chad, waving his hand. "Ignore him, Jay-bird, I'm the one you want."

Jared says, "I'm pretty sure you're not."

"You get enough for one more, Gabe?" Jensen asks, deciding that ignoring Chad has worked for the last three years, so why stop now?

Gabe nods.

"Awesome. You coming, Jared?" he asks, trying not to sound too much like a come-on. He'd really like to fuck Jared, yes, but this isn't the ideal time to start hitting on him. Gabe and Chad are _right there_. And Jared probably isn't very receptive to being hit on at the moment, after Chad's attempts.

"Yeah," says Jared, "definitely."

"Score!" says Chad. Then he pauses. "Fuck, does this mean we're watching season one? I fucking hate Sinclair! And Delenn is way less hot when she's bald."

"Shut the fuck up," says Jensen, "and eat your pad thai."

*

"Here's a crazy thought," says Gabe two days later. "You could ask him out."

Jensen snorts. "I don't _date_ , Gabe. It takes time away from my studies."

"Boo-tay call! Boo-tay call!" says Chad.

"Jared's not going to use me for sex," says Jensen. "I'm outside of Jared's zone of sexual acceptability. Do you need to see the chart?"

"If you show me the chart I will shove my foot up your ass. And you wouldn't get off on it," says Chad.

Jensen doesn't dignify that with a response. Instead, he turns back to Gabe. "It's nothing. If the opportunity presents itself, I'll have sex with him. If not, hey, I've expanded my social circle."

"You don't think the sexual tension will interfere with your friendship?"

"Please," says Chad, "Jensen wants to bone me and he never has trouble."

"One," says Jensen, "I don't find you sexually appealing. Two, I don't consider you a friend."

"Dude, I am defriending you on Facebook."

"That would be fine," says Jensen.

"So you're not even going to try with Jared?" asks Gabe.

Jensen considers this. "I have a few hypotheses to test."

"Dude, getting laid? It's not like science," says Chad.

"How would you know?" asks Gabe. "When was the last time you got laid?"

"You can't even talk to chicks," Chad points out. "You totally lose."

"He's got a point," says Jensen.

"Screw you guys," says Gabe. "I'm defriending both of you on Facebook."

"Are you keeping us on MySpace?" asks Jensen.

"If you play your cards right," says Gabe.

"I can live with that."

*

Jensen's plan to show off his hotness for Jared could have been better executed on several levels.

Wearing his old wire-rimmed glasses was a good idea in theory, but while at first the different prescription seemed workable, after ten minutes, it was hurting Jensen's head and screwing with his depth perception.

His old Flash shirt without the sleeves definitely shows off that he is 1. homosexual and 2. decently muscular, it's also too small and kind of itchy and smells weird. And his cutoff shorts are just awkward.

It doesn't really assert "I look like a sexual being" as much as it asserts "I can't dress myself or walk straight."

He's about to go back to his room and change when someone knocks on the door.

"Hey, Jensen! I need your help!"

Jensen looks down at himself. He looks really stupid.

But he's not going to say no if it's an emergency.

"Coming!"

Jensen goes for the door just as Jared opens it and gets hit in the face.

"Ow fuck!" says Jensen.

"Oh man!" Jared catches his shoulder. "Shit, it was open, I just--sorry! Are you okay?"

Jensen rubs his forehead. "Yeah, it's fine. Just a little bump."

"You're _bleeding_ ," says Jared. "God, I'm sorry. Do you have, I dunno, a towel? Bandages? Anything?"

"Bathroom."

"Okay, here, just. Sit down. I'll go..." Jared pushes Jensen onto the couch and runs off. Jensen puts pressure on his forehead, wondering how his day went so horribly wrong.

Jared comes back a second later. "Move your hand," he says, and then pulls Jensen's hand down anyway, putting a wet towel against the cut. Jensen is distracted by Jared's hand on his, still giant, still warm. Jared flashes him a grin.

"Sorry I'm such a klutz. Were you painting?"

"Painting?" asks Jensen. He doesn't really get words right now. They're a little complicated.

Jared gestures. "Your clothes. Looks kinda like my painting outfit. Stuff I don't mind getting dirty?"

Jensen tries valiantly to not think of all the ways Jared could get him dirty. This attraction is so inconvenient. "Experiment," says Jensen. "With my paintball equipment."

Jared's eyes light up. "You do paintball?"

"On Saturdays."

"Man, I used to love paintball in high school," says Jared. "You think I could tag along sometime?"

"We're very dedicated. I wouldn't want you to feel outclassed," says Jensen carefully.

"I think I can handle it." Jared pulls the towel off and dries off Jensen's forehead with a dry corner.

Jensen swallows. "What did you need, anyway?"

Jared laughs sheepishly as he gets a band aid. "Man, it's so stupid. I forgot to get my stuff out of the pocket of my jeans from yesterday. So I didn't have my keys or my cellphone, locked myself out of my apartment, and missed work."

"That is stupid," says Jensen. Immediately, he remembers this is not the right thing to say to a guy you want to sleep with.

Jared laughs again. "Tell me about it. So I figured I'd see if I could use your phone to call the landlord, and instead I hit you in the face."

"It's my fault," says Jensen. "I'm wearing my old glasses, my depth perception is off."

Jared scrunches up his face. "So take them off. Seriously, don't add bad glasses to head injury."

Jensen pulls them off, rubs his eyes. When he opens them again, Jared is a vague blur of colors in front of his face.

"You've got green eyes," says Jared, sounding surprised.

"Current science thinks it's a mutation," says Jensen.

"It's nice."

Jensen swallows. "Oh."

Jared clears his throat. "You need me to find your glasses for you?"

"On my bedside table, in the blue case," says Jensen. He watches the blur of Jared move away and starts analyzing everything about what Jared said, how he said it. He wishes he could have seen Jared's face. It would have told him a lot about Jared's possible sexual attraction to him.

Jared puts his glasses case in his hand a minute later. When the world comes back into focus, Jared's eyes give nothing about his potential feelings toward Jensen away. It's just Jensen's luck, really.

"Did you need the phone?"

"Yeah, that'd be great."

Jensen goes and gets it, and the moment passes. Jared calls the land lord, gets an estimate, and grins at Jensen. "Want to play Halo til he shows up?

"Do you like losing?" asks Jensen.

Jared just grins wider. "Bring it."

Half an hour later, Jensen has to admit it: Jared might not be a genius, but he's certainly more than a pretty face.

*

Jensen is feeling relatively good about his experiments with Jared by the next week. Jared has officially joined them on Thursday nights for Halo, and came for paintball on Saturday, during which time he purposefully targeted Chad every time he made an inappropriate comment. The groin hit was, perhaps, a little cruel, but Chad seems to have learned his lesson.

And Jared's comment on his eyes is still heartening. While Jensen does have genetically improbable eyes, most people don't comment on them. Jared noticing them, even without data on how he looked when he did so, is encouraging.

Jensen remains encouraged until he sees a small, brown-haired girl in the hall with Jared, and Jared kissing her on the cheek and squeezing her hand. She moves away a second later and waves as she bounces down the stairs.

Jared smiles fondly at her back before he notices Jensen. He turns his usual grin on Jensen, and Jensen finds himself wishing for the fondness he'd just seen. It's very irrational. Jared doesn't need to be fond of him to have sex with him.

Jared does, however, need to be at least bisexual. And while that possibility still exists, Jensen also has to factor in the data he now has about Jared's type. The girl was small--at least a foot shorter than Jared--and slight and very physically appealing. There are a lot of nerds who are at least the first two, but Jensen is not one of them. He's tall (enough that Gabe took several weeks to be able to speak around him) and solid and Jared apparently doesn't value those qualities in a partner.

Jensen refocuses when something moves in front of his face. It takes him a split second to register that it's Jared's hand.

"I know she's cute," Jared is saying, amused, "but staring at the place she was isn't going to bring her back, man."

"I wasn't staring," says Jensen. "I was involved in my own thoughts. I'm not interested in your girlfriend."

"Ex-girlfriend," says Jared. "Turns out we're better friends. Sure you're not interested? I can put in a good word."

"I'm mostly homosexual," says Jensen. "Women don't really interest me."

Jared blinks. "Oh. Uh." He rubs his neck. "I won't tell Sandy to call you then."

"It's beneficial for the overpopulated planet," says Jensen.

"What?"

"Homosexuality."

"Oh," says Jared. "Okay."

It occurs to Jensen that some people have prejudices against homosexuality. "Homophobia is irrational and usually based in fear," he says.

Jared laughs uncomfortably. "I'm not homophobic. I'm--sorry, I'm just surprised."

"I don't conform to most stereotypes," agrees Jensen. Neither does Chad, of course, and Chad keeps hitting on Jared, but Chad will hit on anything. Jensen thinks he can understand why Chad's bisexuality would be less surprising than Jensen's homosexuality.

Jared shakes his head. "You're something else, you know that?"

"I'm a genius," says Jensen. This really does explain most of his quirks. Geniuses tend to be incomprehensible to the mundane world.

"I noticed," says Jared. "I'm going to get a sandwich. You want to come?"

Jensen considers this. "Where?"

"I hadn't really decided yet."

"Can I pick?" asks Jensen.

"Sure."

Jensen tries not to think too much about the fact that, despite Jared's apparent straightness and his attraction to completely different type of person, Jensen still wants to spend time with him. Expanding one's social circle is good. It introduces new ideas and challenge's Jensen's brain.

And when Jared talks animatedly about this season of _America's Next Top Model_ , it is nothing if not challenging.

*

Jared fits easily into Jensen's life, which is completely incomprehensible to Jensen. Very few people are interested in fitting into Jensen's life at all, and the ones who are usually do so because they don't have another choice. Jensen himself puts almost no effort into making friends, and he still isn't sure how he became friends with Gabe and Chad. It's rare that Jensen isn't sure of things, but most of what confuses him relates directly to human interaction.

Jared is required to at least speak with Jensen due to their physical proximity, but Jared will come over, just to talk. He'll listen to Jensen talk about concepts he doesn't begin to understand with an expression Jensen can't place. He'll play Halo, and bring pizza, and he even gets to be kind of friends with Chad.

Jensen doesn't understand it at all.

*

On their Thursday Halo night, Jared says, "Oh yeah, I'm having a party tomorrow night. You guys are totally welcome if you wanna come."

"Why are you having a party?" asks Jensen.

"It's Halloween."

"Fuck yeah!" says Chad. "Costumes?"

"Wouldn't be a Halloween party without costumes."

"Girls not wearing clothes! Man, Jay, living next to you is the best thing Jensen's ever done."

"Hey! Come on, what about my string theory work?"

"Nah," says Chad. "Have you seen how slutty girls get at Halloween?"

"I don't like girls," Jensen points out.

"Guys never get slutty," says Jared thoughtfully. "It's a cryin' shame."

"Trust me, dude," says Chad. "I'm gonna be slutty as hell."

"How about you guys?" asks Jared. "Jensen, Gabe, you wanna come?"

"We can wear costumes?" asks Jensen.

"Won't let you in if you don't," says Jared. "Absolutely required."

Gabe gives a thumbs up.

"You know there are going to be girls there, right?" says Jensen, looking at Gabe. Gabe nods, sadly.

"You don't like girls?" Jared asks. His continued attempts to talk to Gabe baffle Jensen; it's completely useless, but Jared doesn't give up.

"Loves girls," says Chad. "Just can't talk to them."

"Who can you talk to?"

Gabe rushes over to his computer.

"Oh, he's going to do the powerpoint," says Jensen. "I'm leaving."

"This is your house," Chad points out.

"I'm going to my room."

"But you're coming tomorrow, right?" asks Jared. He's looking over the back of the couch to Jensen, his eyes wide. It's a very unfair face, because it makes Jensen want to fuck him. Most of Jared's faces do that. Jensen isn't sure there has ever been anyone else in the world he wants to fuck as much as Jared Padalecki.

"Yeah," he says. "I'll be there."

*

Jensen doesn't do sexy. Jensen doesn't even do nerd chic, which his sister sends him articles about in a desperate attempt to "fix him." Mackenzie seems to think Jensen is going to die alone, which Jensen was sort of banking on, but she thinks it's _bad_. She approves of his clunky black frames but thinks he needs to get rid of all the plaid pants he owns, and possibly some he doesn't.

He hates calling her for help, but he has no idea what else to do.

"I need a sexually inviting Halloween costume for a party tonight," he says when she picks up. "Help."

There's silence for a minute. "You're going to a _party_? And you want to be _sexually inviting_? _You_?"

"Yes," he says. "Silence. Help me."

"Isn't there some nerd costume you can do? You have tons!"

"That's for conventions. And I don't think Jared would find my authentic Captain Picard outfit appealing. Besides, for authenticity I'd have to wear a bald cap, and I don't think that would help my chances."

She's silent again. "Jared, huh?"

"I want to have sex with him. At least three times."

"God, I want to be proud of you for getting hormones, but I also don't want to hear about your sex life."

"I've always had hormones. Everyone has hormones. And you're always telling me you want me to have a sex life!"

"I want you to have a relationship!" she says. "And then I'll pretend you and your boyfriend never have sex."

"Why would I have a boyfriend if I didn't have sex with him? Sex is the only good thing about having a boyfriend."

"How would you know, you've never had one." She sighs. "You know what, never mind. Tell me about Jared."

"He's six foot four, very muscular. He has a nice smile. He's a waiter but he wants to be an actor. He's from San Antonio. I think he's straight but I also think everyone is at least slightly bisexual in the right circumstances."

"What does he like?"

"Halo," says Jensen. "Dancing, parties, cars, paintball, steak, dogs..."

"Jesus," says Mackenzie. "Just, stop. Okay. You really like him, huh?"

"He's really hot," says Jensen. "Of course I do."

"No, I mean--nothing. Do you have a vest and some baggy pants? You haven't got a bad body, Jensen. You could be Aladdin."

"Do you have any idea how historically inaccurate that movie is?"

"No," she says. "Don't tell me."

"Well, it is," mutters Jensen.

"Jensen, just...wear something _you_ like. It's not worth trying to be someone else to get a guy."

"Yes it is," says Jensen. "You haven't seen this guy, Mackenzie."

"Jensen, you love being yourself. I've never heard you this twisted up about _anything_."

"Fine," he says, "I'll still be myself. Just dressed differently. Clothes are not the core of a person's being."

"I'm hanging up," says Mackenzie. "It sounds like you're _friends_. He'll know something's up, so just be natural. But don't be Captain Picard either."

"How about--"

"Good luck with your crush, Jensen," she says, and hangs up.

"It's not a crush," he says to the room. Not that the room cares, but he feels like he _has_ to say it. Jensen has never had a crush in his life. It's stupid, getting emotionally attached to people like that. Jensen just likes sex. He's never wanted sex with a friend before, but that's probably because he's never had an attractive friend before.

But it's not a crush.

*

Superman is not Jensen's favorite superhero. He prefers many others, actually--Batman, The Flash, Wolverine, Professor X, the list goes on--but Superman is an easy costume for the last minute. Or, rather, Clark Kent is. Jensen can leave his glasses on, a plus, and wear comfortable slacks and a button-down shirt, with the top few buttons undone, showing off his tight blue Superman shirt. It's not _perfect_ , but Jensen thinks it looks 1. decently attractive and 2. relatively normal. Someone who did not own an authentic Captain Picard uniform could have come up with this costume.

Jensen nods to himself and surveys his hair.

It's getting too long, which means he could probably, if he really wanted to, put it in the little Clark Kent twirl at the front of his forehead. He can't figure out if it would look too stupid to be worth it.

"Dude," says Chad, "you gotta do that. Separates the Clark Kents from the dudes in ugly glasses."

"Fuck you, I like my glasses."

"Come on," says Chad. "I'll do your hair so good, Jared'll totally want to marry you."

"I don't want to marry him, I just want to fuck him," says Jensen, following Chad into the bathroom anyway. "Why does everyone think I want to marry him?"

"Cuz you totally want to marry him," says Chad.

"I hate agreeing with Chad, but he's got a point here," says Gabe. "You totally want to marry him."

"I want to die alone," says Jensen. "So shut up."

*

They arrive on time, which Jared patiently explains is actually early in party time. Jensen doesn't understand why anyone would tell people to show up at one time and then expect them to show up later. It seems completely irrational.

"Completely," Jared agrees.

"Then why do you do it?"

Jared sighs. "It's a social tradition that's become so ingrained it's impossible to change it."

Jensen blinks. He looks at Chad and Gabe, who are blinking too. "Oh," says Jensen. "Okay."

Jared beams. "I started pretending I'm Booth and Jensen's Bones and everything makes way more sense."

"No, I'm Spock, you're Bones," says Jensen.

"No, dude, Bones is that crime TV show with Angel on it," says Chad.

"Am I Angel?"

"Nah, you're the hot chick."

"She is pretty hot," Jared agrees. "Okay, you guys can chill out, I guess. Or you can go home for an hour, I don't care. Either way, I'm getting changed."

"You should follow him," whispers Chad. "Offer to help him change."

"How much bad porn do you watch?" asks Gabe.

"I'm not gonna dignify that with an answer," says Chad. "Come on, Jensen, he's totally telling you he wants you. Angel totally wants that chick."

Jensen rubs his forehead. "I'm not doing that, Chad."

"You just gonna get him drunk later?"

"He might drink," says Jensen. "And if something happens, something happens." Jensen is more intellectually than practically familiar with alcohol, but he knows from college that it almost always leads to sexual decisions that might not have been made otherwise.

It was a consideration of his for tonight.

He ignores the churning in his stomach when he thinks about that. It's probably nothing.

*

Jared's friends are all as Jensen would have expected--very normal people, who discuss TV, sports, movies, their jobs. Jensen mostly ends up observing them--or, more precisely, observing Chad with them. Chad has always had a rather overblown sense of his own desirability, and there's a certain beauty in watching him get completely shot down.

Besides, Gabe is hiding behind him, so Jensen feels bad moving too much.

Jared is dressed up as the devil--at least, he has little horns and a red shirt and he's drawn a black goatee on his face. He's also carrying a pitchfork, and Jensen is alerted to his presence when Jared pokes him in the side with it.

"Ow," says Jensen.

"You're Superman," says Jared, grinning. "You can take it."

"That's a secret," says Jensen, smiling back.

"Then you really need to button up your shirt," he retorts. He continues, "You guys need to work on your sociability. Something halfway between what you're doing now and what Chad's doing now."

"Gabe can't interact with people," Jensen points out.

"Yeah? So what's your excuse?" Jared asks.

"I don't want to."

Jared knocks Jensen's shoulder with his own. "Come on, it's--"

And then Jared freezes, stiffens, and his face changes. Jensen's never really seen Jared upset before, but he recognizes it now, the way Jared's face shuts down.

"What is it?" asks Jensen.

"It's, uh." Jared leans down and quiets his voice. "My ex just showed up."

"Sandy?"

"No, um. Tom."

Jensen takes this in. "Boyfriend?"

"I was gonna tell you guys," says Jared, rubbing the back of his neck. "I was going to when you told me but--yeah. Anyway. I didn't think he was gonna come."

Jensen's eyes are fixed on the man who's just come in. He isn't like Sandy at all--he's tall, almost as tall as Jared, and muscular. He's dressed as, of all things, Superman, which makes Jensen feel tiny and lame in comparison, even though he is well aware he's neither of those things. But Tom looks like he was born to be the man of steel. Jensen gulps involuntarily.

"Why did you invite him?" Jensen manages.

"I didn't," says Jared, rubbing his forehead. "Someone else must have mentioned it. Fucking shit, he's a bastard."

"So don't talk to him," says Jensen.

"I'm not," says Jared. "I'm talking to you."

Jensen can't help but be heartened by the comparison.

At least, he is until Tom comes over. "Who're you supposed to be?" Tom asks without preamble.

"Clark Kent," he says.

Tom snorts. "Not the best costume for you, shrimp."

Jensen can't help being rankled by that. "I know way more about Superman than you ever will," Jensen says, "and I'm six-feet-tall. You're just jealous I went for Clark Kent and got out of wearing spandex."

Jared snickers while Tom looks pissed. "You've really downgraded friends since we dated, Jay. I remember when you had cool parties."

"Were you not at them?" asks Jensen.

"I ate guys like you for breakfast in high school," says Tom. "Don't mess with me."

"I had already had a graduate degree when you were in high school," says Jensen. "Did you even get the high school one?"

In a flash, Tom's got Jensen shoved up against the wall, his fist in Jensen's shirt. Gabe has skittered out of the way somehow, for which Jensen is grateful, but the pounding in his head kind of sucks.

"Jesus Christ, Tom!" says Jared, and Jensen sees him drag Tom back. "Don't fucking beat up my guests at my party."

"Don't get such wussy friends," Tom mutters. He stalks off while Jensen struggles to look completely unflapped and not in pain. Which is difficult because the wind was pretty well knocked out of him.

Jared holds his arm to steady him. "Are you okay, man?"

Jensen coughs. "Yeah, you know. Awesome."

"God, I'm sorry. I'm just gonna go kick Tom the fuck out, seriously."

"Don't worry about it," says Jensen. "I'm gonna head out anyway."

"Jensen, you don't have to--"

"Come on, Jared. This is more partying than I've ever done in my life," says Jensen. "I'm just gonna go home and watch _Battlestar Galactica_."

Jared looks like he might say something else, but Jensen just takes off. His body hurts, his head hurts, and his chest aches. He has no idea how a night where he found out that Jared actually _is_ bi (even if he's unfortunately into guys more muscular than Jensen could ever dream of being) went so wrong. It's annoying, and he's done with it.

"Thanks for coming," says Jared quietly. "I'm sorry Tom's a dick."

"Sorry you ever had to date him."

Jared laughs hollowly. "I have the worst taste in guys, seriously."

"Lucky me," says Jensen. "I'll see you later."

"Paintball tomorrow, right?" says Jared, sounding hopeful.

"Yes," says Jensen. And then he drags himself to his room and falls on the couch, waiting to die.

Given his current age and physical fitness, barring some kind of natural disaster, it's going to be a long wait.

*

When Jensen wakes up, it's the middle of the night outside and there's a steady noise at the door.

Jensen staggers over, shoving his glasses up as he rubs his hand over his face. They're crooked on his nose when he reaches the door, and he expects to see Chad or Gabe at the door, but it's Jared.

"Hey," says Jared. He's hunched forward a little, leaning heavily on the frame. "Hey, Jensen."

"Hi," says Jensen. "What's up?"

"I'm gonna kill someone," says Jared. "Tom found Mike and they're fucking best friends and Tom won't leave." He collapses down on Jensen's couch. Warily, Jensen follows, sits down beside him.

"So you ran away from your own party?"

"Yes. Why are all my friends jerks?"

"Some of them seemed fine."

"You're not too bad."

"I'm emotionally stunted," Jensen says. "And somehow I don't think before I say stuff, even though I never stop thinking."

Jared's head lolls back on the couch. He turns slowly, smiles. "I like you anyway."

Jensen swallows. There's something warm in his stomach, and he can smell alcohol on Jared's breath. "I knew you weren't too bright," says Jensen thickly.

"I'm really sorry," says Jared. "About Tom."

"It's okay."

"Don't know why I date guys like that," says Jared. "Dunno..."

And then he leans in and kisses Jensen.

Jensen hasn't thought much about kissing Jared. He's primarily thought about fucking Jared, and kissing Jared didn't particularly enter into his mind.

It's good. Jared pushes his way into Jensen's mouth, one giant hand on Jensen's cheek as his tongue traces over Jensen's teeth. It's only when he finds himself flat on his back that he tastes the alcohol in Jared's mouth and remembers that Jared--Jared doesn't want this.

He puts his hands on Jared's chest carefully, pushing him up. Jared moans as he goes back, and that almost kills Jensen's resolve.

"How much have you had to drink?" asks Jensen.

"Lot," mutters Jared.

"Jared, man, we can't--"

"Yeah," says Jared roughly, pushing himself off the couch. "I'm sorry, man."

"Jared--"

But Jared lets himself out, leaves.


	2. Chapter 2

Jensen spends his night seriously reconsidering things.

Jared would have slept with him tonight. He's sure of that--Jared was kissing him like he meant it, like he wanted it.

And Jensen had said no.

This means he isn't interested in Jared just for sex. He might not even be interested in Jared primarily for sex. He had been upset by the idea that Jared kissing him wasn't honest, wasn't what Jared wanted. He had been concerned that to have sex with Jared would have been taking advantage, would have hurt Jared.

He didn't want Jared like that, didn't want Jared to be unhappy and desperate and drunk, turning to Jensen out of frustration at someone else.

He wanted Jared to be genuinely interested in him.

Unfortunately, it was even more than that.

Jensen has never kissed people much before, but kissing Jared had been--he'd liked it. Liked the noises Jared made, like he liked it too. Loved the feeling of Jared licking into his mouth, the affectionate way Jared's fingers brushed at his cheek, his neck.

Jensen really likes Jared.

Jensen might be in love with Jared.

He's been skirting around the idea ever since he sent Jared away, aware of the confusing swirl of feelings, aware that if all he'd wanted was sex, he could have had it. It would have been a complete asshole move, yes, but Jensen's been a complete asshole before. Jensen is certainly not the world's best human being. But he can't even think about taking something Jared doesn't want to give him. Can't think about taking sex from Jared, knowing that Jared might not want it. Might not even remember it.

Because almost as bad as Jared not wanting it is Jared not caring one way or another. Maybe Jared is always drunk and horny, willing to go with the first body he finds. And Jensen doesn't want to be that meaningless person.

Jensen hates everything.

He might be in love with Jared. But he's not willing to take that plunge yet. After all, he doesn't have all the data. All he knows is that he likes Jared and enjoyed kissing him and wants to have sex with him, but not enough to do so without Jared's consent and mutual desire.

Wikipedia, Jensen knows, is not the best place to get information. Anyone can go in there and add information, which means that, for scientific inquiry, it's completely useless.

On the other hand, science and romance are completely different. No matter what people say about "chemistry."

So Jensen hits up wikipedia, which tells him that "love" is an abstract concept referring to any number of different types of feelings, from friendly to familial to romantic. The article on romantic love is really long and talks about Kierkegaard, and Jensen doesn't think it has any answers for him.

Googling "Am I in love?" results in a number of quizzes from websites with names like teenadvice.about.com and romancetracker. Jensen tries the one from teenadvice and finds the entire thing does not apply to him because he is not actually currently in a relationship with Jared.

By this point, it's six a.m., and Jensen is exhausted. He has to accept that he's not going to figure out if he's in love with Jared right this minute, and pretty much all he can be sure of is that his feelings for Jared are not limited to wanting to fuck him.

That is still a pretty major factor, however, so Jensen hits the shower and fists his cock in his hand, thinking of Jared's kiss, Jared's hands, Jared's body firm against his.

After that, he goes to sleep.

He wakes up seven hours later to a steady pounding at the door and some yelling.

He pulls a shirt over his head and sticks his glasses on, waiting for the world to come into focus.

"Hi," says Jared breathlessly, when Jensen opens the door. "I am a fucking idiot and I'm sorry."

Jensen waves his hand. "It's okay. What's up?"

"Um. That?"

"What?"

"I'm really sorry about last night," says Jared in a rush. "I shouldn't have..."

"You were drunk," Jensen replies. "Alcohol has that effect on some people. There are studies."

"Made Gabe talkative," says Jared, smiling a little.

"Really?"

"Yeah! I guess it was after you left, but man, it was awesome. He started hitting on Sandy."

"Your ex-girlfriend?"

"Yeah!" Jared laughs. "I think she liked him. Totally amazing."

"But she's your ex," says Jensen. He doesn't really get Jared's position here.

" _Ex_ , man."

"Yeah, but...never mind."

"Are we still doing paintball?" asks Jared, sounding a little sheepish. "Or...?"

"Should be," says Jensen. "Let me call Chad and Gabe."

He's heading in to do just that when Jared grabs his arm. "But we're cool, right?"

Jensen swallows and hopes Jared doesn't notice. "We're cool."

*

Jensen decides, after paintball, that what he should do is get laid.

Jensen very rarely decides to get laid. But it seems like the most logical choice right now. He might just be horny, after all, and his horniness is screwing with his brain.

Besides, it's his understanding that being in love means that he won't want to sleep with anyone else. Assuming he is monogamous. These things haven't really come up before. Jensen wonders if this is weird.

Jensen is not actually good at sleeping people. Bars freak him out--they're dirty and creepy and he doesn't trust his fluids with people he doesn't know.

So he's got Kyle.

Kyle Gallner is scrawny and mousy and not particularly attractive; Jensen likes him and all, but he's not really someone who makes Jensen that sexually excited.

That said, they have an agreement, based on mutual lack of social skills, that they hook up when they feel the need to hook up with someone.

It is Jensen's understanding that this is called a booty call.

"Hey, Jensen," says Kyle, picking up on the second ring. "What's up?"

"I might be in love," says Jensen. "I need to have sex to figure out if I'm right."

"Okay," says Kyle. "But my sister's visiting. Can it wait a couple days?"

"Yeah, that's fine," Jensen agrees. He'd like to find out sooner rather than later, but he doesn't want to interrupt Kyle's visiting time with his sister. In theory, he guesses he could just sleep with someone else, but in reality the only other person he knows who would sleep with him no questions asked would be Chad, and Jensen is never, ever going to be willing to go there.

Ever.

So he's going to have to wait until Kyle is free.

Jensen's life is really difficult.

*

"So you're in love?"

"Maybe," says Jensen morosely.

"Huh," says Kyle. "What's it like?"

"I think about him a lot," Jensen mutters. "I want to have sex with him. He kissed me and I liked it way more than I usually like kissing. Um. I like listening to him talk even though he talks about _America's Next Top Model_."

"Wow," says Kyle. "It sounds weird."

"It is."

"He really kissed you?"

"Yeah."

"Huh. Think we should try it?"

"What, kissing?"

"Yeah. Maybe you just like kissing more than you used to."

"Good point," says Jensen. "Yeah, let's do that."

Jensen leans over to kiss Kyle. Kyle is shorter than Jensen, and naturally shorter than Jared by a lot. He's scrawny and small. Kissing him is unremarkable; Jensen doesn't care that much about keeping at it. Kyle tastes like nothing in particular, and his chest seems almost fragile against Jensen's. It's never bothered him before; Kyle works, generally.

Except Kyle is not what Jensen wants.

He deepens the kiss anyway, puts his hand on Kyle's face, tries to determine if there's something he can do to make this as good as kissing Jared was.

Naturally, that's when Jared comes in.

"God, Jensen, I'm a fucking idiot, I--" He stops short as Jensen turns, his stomach sinking. In that moment, watching Jared turn bright red and drop his gaze to the ground and shuffle his feet, Jensen knows, utterly and surely, that he is in love. "I'm really sorry," he says. "I just--uh. Need the spare key I left here. Um. Yeah. I'm--bye."

And Jared leaves.

"Fuck," says Jensen, his head falling against the back of the couch.

"So, you're in love with him?" asks Kyle.

"Yeah," says Jensen. "A lot."

"Sorry."

"Wasn't your fault. We should have gone to your place."

"I meant about the whole love thing," says Kyle.

"Oh," says Jensen. "Yeah. That's going to suck."

Kyle pats him on the shoulder. Jensen has absolutely no desire to ever kiss him again.

It's not a good feeling to be having.

*

The problem is that Jensen is not, in fact, dating Jared. So he doesn't have to explain why he was kissing another guy on his couch. In fact, he thinks, it would be kind of weird if he did explain that. Jensen and Jared are friends, and therefore, there is no reason for Jensen to apologize, remark on, or otherwise acknowledge that Jared walked in on him and Kyle.

Jensen spends a day trying to figure out how to casually bring this up and comes up with nothing.

Jared, like nothing is wrong, comes into Jensen's the next evening, after knocking, and says, "Man, I really hope I didn't cockblock you."

"What?"

"Another guy walking in like he owns the place during a date can suck. So I didn't, like, screw up your evening or anything, right?"

"Uh," says Jensen. "No?"

"You're not sure?"

"Kyle is--he's just this guy. I sometimes, uh." Jensen rubs his neck. "I sometimes sleep with. Because we don't meet a lot of people. It's a mutually beneficial agreement."

"Oh," says Jared. "That's--good?"

"It's satisfactory," says Jensen, lying through his teeth. Jared still looks kind of confused and weird, so Jensen soldiers on. "Seriously. Kyle doesn't care about you walking in. We're just colleagues."

"Who sleep together," says Jared. "Man, I never think of geeks as having a lot of casual sex."

"Yeah, well we're also socially awkward and dysfunctional in relationships," says Jensen. "So it's pretty much me and my hand."

He profoundly wishes he hadn't said that.

Jared turns red. "Right."

"I just got Beautiful Katamari," says Jensen, to fill the silence that even _he_ knows is awkward. "Wanna play?"

"Yeah," says Jared. "Definitely."

*

"So I'm in love with Jared," Jensen announces.

"I know," says Chad.

"I'm in love with Sandy," says Gabe. "She keeps calling and I keep picking up the phone and just breathing heavily into it. It's like a reverse crank call."

"Do a shot and call her," says Chad.

"Can we talk about me?" asks Jensen.

"Bitch, we always talk about you," Chad points out. "Gabe's got a new issue."

"That's true," says Gabe. "I've never had girl problems before. It's my turn."

"Granted," says Jensen, a little sulkily. "And I agree with Chad."

"I can't do a shot every time I want to talk to a girl!"

"You got used to me and Chad," Jensen points out. "Maybe you just have to do a shot for the first five dates and then you'll get better."

"Why do I suck?" asks Gabe, banging his head against Jensen's coffee table.

"You want to see the power point?" Jensen asks. It usually seems to make him feel better.

"A hot girl," Gabe goes on, as if Jensen hadn't spoken, " _likes me_! And I suck too much to talk to her!"

"Pretty much," Chad agrees.

"Augh," says Gabe.

Jensen pats him on the shoulder.

"So how'd you figure out you're totally gone for Jay-bird?" Chad asks.

"He got drunk, kissed me, and walked in on me making out with Kyle."

"Dude," says Chad. "He _kissed you_?"

"He was drunk!"

"He was drunk and he didn't kiss me," Chad says. "The fuck were you doing making out with Gallner after that?"

"Experiment to see if I was really in love with Jared."

"Dude, you could have just asked _anyone with eyes_."

Jensen flips him off absently.

"Come on, Jensen, yours is even dumber than Gabe's. He _kissed you_. Ask him the fuck out."

Chad is possibly the most emotionally mature friend Jensen has. Other than Jared. This isn't really something in Chad's favor--this is a problem with Jensen's friends. But it's worth taking into account, Jensen thinks. Chad might have a point.

He calls Mackenzie before he does anything else.

"You were right," he says.

"Oh god," she replies. "Please tell me you burned all your pants and bought real ones."

"No! I'm in love with Jared."

"Oh, that. Okay. Yeah. So you want to know how to get him?"

"Yes."

"Is he straight?"

"Bisexual."

"Do you think he likes you?"

"He got drunk and kissed me."

Mackenzie squeals. "What happened after? Why did he stop?"

Jensen winces. "Because I told him to. Because he was drunk."

But Mackenzie approves. "Good move. Way to show you care."

"I didn't know I did," Jensen mutters.

"Did you talk about it?"

"He apologized."

"And?"

"And what?"

"What else happened?"

Jensen rubs the back of his neck. "He walked in on me kissing someone else."

" _Jeeeeeeeeen_ ," she sighs. "Why did you do that?"

"I was experimenting!"

"With what? You already know you're gay."

"Just--never mind! Now you know everything. Should I ask him out?"

"Of course you should ask him out! What have you got to lose?"

"One third of my close friends," Jensen points out.

There's a silence. "That's just depressing," says Mackenzie.

"Yeah," Jensen has to agree.

*

"Jared," Jensen says, to his wall. He's taped a picture of Jared's face to it. It's a little creepy, having Jared's disembodied head taped to his wall. It doesn't really in any way simulate talking to the real Jared. He tapes a shirt under it, which only sort of helps. "Jared," he repeats. "I was going to go see a movie. Do you want to come?"

The creepy Jared face on his wall does not reply. Jensen thinks this is for the best. He rips it down and sets it, very carefully, on fire, because the last thing he needs is for Jared to find a printout of his head in Jensen's apartment.

His resolve is set, his shoulders are squared, and the evidence is on fire. Jensen heads into the hall to ask Jared Padalecki out.

"Hi Jensen!" says Jared. "Bye Jensen!"

"What?" asks Jensen.

"Gotta run," says Jared, grinning apologetically. "I'm on my way to a date."

"Oh," says Jensen. "Bye."

And Jared waves and runs off.

Jensen goes to do some math. Math never does shit like this to him.

*

Jensen knows that, in theory, Jared dating other people doesn't mean that Jensen can't ask him out. But whenever Jensen happens to meet one of Jared's dates, he or she is very attractive, not at all geeky, and a jerk. Jared has a very clear type. That type is terrible people. And Jensen is kind of a terrible person, but Jensen never gets into screaming fights, and apparently most of Jared's significant others do.

Jared slams the door of Jensen's apartment after his fight with some guy whose name Jensen never bothered learning. Jensen has stopped locking his door, because Jared likes to just storm in, and Jensen doesn't actually mind.

"We're playing chess," says Jared tightly.

"Okay," says Jensen, automatically. He likes chess. Then he realizes this is weird. "Wait, what? Why?"

"Because I need to relax," says Jared.

"I just have 3D chess," says Jensen. This is one of the saddest things he has ever had to admit. Which is saying a lot.

Jared looks at him, gaze steady and angry. "Can you teach me?"

"Yeah," says Jensen. "Sure."

*

He starts off going easy on Jared, because Jared is new at this and not a genius. But it turns out Jared is some kind of chess master, or something, because within two games Jensen is actually fighting for his life.

"I don't get it," says Jared, kicking Jensen's ass with so little effort that he still has tons of brainpower left over to angst about his life. "I'm barely even dating these people and I somehow get into giant fucking fights."

"How are you beating me?" asks Jensen. "You just learned this game."

"I'm fucking awesome at chess," says Jared. "Seriously, is it me? Am I a bad date?"

"I dunno," says Jensen. "I've never gone out with you." He says it with a remarkable lack of bitterness. He's not sure how he pulls that off.

"I'm _not_ ," Jared goes on, like Jensen hadn't spoken. "I'm an awesome date. I rock. Check."

"Wait, what?"

"Check."

"How are you doing this?" asks Jensen.

"Chess is my anti-emo," says Jared, kind of smugly.

"Holy shit," says Jensen.

"I hold open doors!" says Jared, effortlessly picking up the old thread of conversation. "I pay for dinners! I'm funny! I'm cute! What's the problem?"

"I dunno, Jared," says Jensen. "Want to get dinner tomorrow?"

It's not how he planned to ask Jared out. But maybe that's better.

"Sure," says Jared. "Checkmate."

"What?"

"Checkmate."

"No, uh...before that."

"Oh, dinner? Yeah, let's do dinner. You can critique me on my dating techniques."

"I can?"

"Yeah. It'll be helpful. Another game?"

"Yeah," Jensen manages. He's going on a _date_. With _Jared_. Who is apparently an awesome date.

And who is some kind of chess savant, fucking seriously. Jensen doesn't win one game that night, but he still feels like a million bucks.

*

Jared stops by the next night, looking good--crisp white shirt, nice slacks. Jensen is wearing his own clothes, because none of the four restaurants he finds acceptable for going out have a particularly harsh dress code. He immediately regrets it, but once Jared is there, it's pretty much too late to say "Oh, let me see if I own any clothes that don't have a comic-book character on them."

"Hey!" says Jared, apparently unfazed by Jensen's outfit. "So, I usually go to Porter, but I dunno if you like steak."

"Porter?"

"It's a restaurant."

Jensen rubs his neck. "I, uh. I don't go to new restaurants."

"Huh?"

"I don't trust them! They could be unsanitary!"

Jared looks at him. "So where do you go?"

"Mike's Pizzeria, Big Boy, Thai Palace, and the Cheesecake Factory."

"You didn't come to the Cheesecake Factory before I started working there," Jared points out.

"Yeah," says Jensen, blushing a little. "I figured you probably wouldn't work anywhere with sanitation problems. And I brought my own fork from home."

Jared looks at him for a long minute. "Okay, how about the Thai? I like Thai."

"Yeah," says Jensen. "Thai's good."

Jared does hold open doors, and he even takes Jensen's coat. "I think even women find that custom antiquated," Jensen points out. "Also, I'm a man."

"It's a problem?" Jared asks. He sounds concerned. "Maybe that's it."

"It's weird," says Jensen, sliding into the booth. "I'm not used to it."

Jared nods, looking like he's committing it to memory. That's a good sign, right? Jared is taking Jensen's preferences into account.

Jared looks vaguely bemused through Jensen's long ordering process--it's not Jensen's fault he has a lot of allergies and requirements. And they're used to him here anyway. He tips well.

They chat pretty easily for a while until Jared asks him about work, and Jensen launches into a rant about the experiment he's currently working on. It fascinates _him_ , and it's way too long before he notices Jared is just watching him, nodding periodically, with a kind of dazed expression.

"Uh," says Jensen. "Sorry."

Jared waves his hand. "Man, I didn't get half of that, but it's awesome you like your job that much. Seriously, I couldn't talk that much about the Cheesecake Factory if you paid me."

"They do pay you," Jensen points out.

"Right," Jared agrees.

Overall, Jensen doesn't think it's actually a bad date. Jared seems to be having fun too--he's certainly laughing and smiling and talking enough. He doesn't seem uncomfortable.

All that's missing is going home and having sex. Which, Jensen hopes, is still going to happen.

"I'll get half," says Jensen.

Jared nods. "Yeah, okay. But if this was a real date, I'd pay the whole thing."

Jensen freezes while Jared flirts easily with the waiter giving them the check.

"So," says Jared, after the guy leaves, "scale of one to ten. How awesome a date am I?"

"Eight," says Jensen automatically. "The door-holding was weird and you're hitting on our waiter."

"Yeah, well, I wouldn't do that on a real date either," he says, and then grins. "See? I told you! I am an awesome date and the people I date are stupid. It is totally them, not me."

"Yeah," Jensen agrees. His mouth feels cottony, strange.

"Thanks, man," says Jared. "I appreciate you helping out. I thought maybe my technique sucked and I was just delusional."

On their way out, Jared gets the waiter's number.

Jensen doesn't get anyone's number, doesn't get a second date, and goes home alone. He assumes what he's feeling is heartbreak, and now he feels bad for never being more sympathetic to Josh and Mackenzie's romantic woes. Because this?

This _sucks_.

*

It's not like Jensen spends all his time depressed about his love life. That is absolutely not true. There are a lot of other things in Jensen's life. He has work, and his friends, and this season of _Mythbusters_ is really kicking ass.

His life is not all relationship angst and sulking.

But when he keeps seeing that waiter hanging around Jared's place? Yeah, it bugs him.

"They met while I was on a date with Jared," he mutters. "How is that fair?"

"Jay-bird didn't know it was a date," Chad points out.

"How is that my fault? I didn't think I was being fucking subtle! I said "do you want to go out?" That's asking someone out! I looked it up online!"

"Yeah, it does sound like Jared's fault," says Gabe. "Well, more than Jensen's."

"How's your thing with Sandy?" asks Jensen before Chad can argue with him further. "Good news?"

"I drank two glasses of wine during dinner and she made out with me in the car," says Gabe, grinning widely. "I'm gonna get a girlfriend. And maybe some kind of crippling alcohol addiction, but it's worth it, right?"

"Fuck," says Chad, "I'd say that's a fucking _bonus_."

"You stole medicinal marijuana from the medical program," Gabe points out.

"Chad has marijuana?" asks Jared, coming in with a broad grin. Jensen has to admit he's impressed that Jared hasn't missed a single Halo night in the three weeks since he got a fucking stupid boyfriend. Or, in fact, ever. Not at all.

"Not anymore," says Chad. "Gave it to a chick so she'd make out with another chick while I watched."

"You're all class, Chad," says Jared, flopping down on the couch next to Jensen. Jensen likes to have a wider personal bubble than Jared likes to give him, but he's found he's willing to let a lot of his preferences slide for Jared. It's frankly a little alarming. "So, are we playing?"

"Not busy with Jason tonight?" asks Jensen. He hopes he doesn't sound as bitter as he is. He has trouble sometimes figuring out how his voice comes off to other people. The echoes in his head make it sound so much more balanced and cool.

Jared shrugs. "It's Halo night. I like Halo night." He jostles Jensen's shoulder with his own. "Someone's gotta kick your ass, and I know Chad isn't going to man up and do it."

"Hey, fuck you! I am way manlier than Gabe."

Gabe sort of squeaks angrily. Chad always manages to piss Gabe off while Jared's around, and then he sort of bounces up and down in his seat, sounding like an angry hamster.

"Nah, Chad, I think you're losing here. Gabe got himself a girlfriend," says Jared, grinning widely.

"Wait, she said that?" asks Gabe. "What did she say?"

Jared stares for a minute before Gabe realizes what happened, and he clamps his hands over his mouth.

"You're so golden, boozer," says Jared. "She thinks you're adorable."

Gabe tries to talk again, but it doesn't work. He huffs out a breath and grabs a piece of paper.

 _BUT IN A SEXY MANLY WAY RIGHT?_

Jared laughs. "Yeah, man, totally. Sexy, manly, unable to talk to girls...you're a real catch."

 _SHUT UP. HALO BITCHS._

Jensen sighs, writes an E between the H and S. His needs new friends. Maybe he can upgrade a couple associates.

*

So all that love stuff? Jensen was totally wrong. He _hates_ Jared Padalecki.

Jensen sneezes three times in quick succession. His throat is on fire, his head is spinning, and his nose is so full of mucus his thinks it must have expanded to make room.

Chad had stopped by earlier, heard Jensen's pathetic sniffle and call of "Chaaaaaad?" and turned tail and ran like the fucking coward that he is.

And Jensen hates Jared, because Jared got him sick. Jared had _coughed on him_ on Halo night, laughed and said he must have caught his sister's cold, and even though Jensen had immediately run and sanitized himself, he now has the plague and is going to die.

Which logically means that Jared is the one who should deal with him.

This decision made, Jensen drags himself across the hall, lets himself into Jared's apartment, and, upon finding it empty and freezing, borrows one of Jared's hoodies, curls up in a ball on Jared's couch and goes to sleep.

He's awoken some time later by Jared shaking his shoulder.

"Jensen, man, what's up?"

"I'm _dying_ ," says Jensen petulantly. "I'm dying and you killed me."

"Holy crap, you sound bad. What are you dying of?"

"The flu. And you _coughed on me_."

Jared kneels down and puts his hand on Jensen's forehead. "Shit, you're burning up. Why'd you come here?"

"Because it's your fault. And Chad ran away."

"Chad ran away?"

"He's a fucker," says Jensen. "I'm going to fight him."

"Sure you are. You want some soup? I'm going to make you soup."

"And tea," says Jensen. "Earl Gray. Hot. Just like Captain Picard."

Jared smiles softly, ruffles Jensen's hair before he gets up. "Yeah," he says. "Sure. Go back to sleep, I'll wake you up when it's ready."

"Still hate you," Jensen mutters, but he nestles back into the couch. Jared's hoodie is giant and warm and smells like him, and his couch isn't nearly as nice as Jensen's, but it doesn't matter. Jensen is warm and dizzy and foggy, and he just gives in and sleeps.

When he wakes up again, it's because Jared's cell phone rings on the table, right by Jensen's ear.

"Shit shit shit," says Jared, coming over and picking it up. "Sorry." He goes into the kitchen, brings a cup back. "Here, tea," he says. "Still working on the soup."

Jared puts down the tea and picks up the phone; Jensen manages to sit up to drink it while doing his best to eavesdrop. It's difficult because his head feels like it's underwater.

"Hey," he hears Jared say, "I can't come tonight. Jensen's sick, I--" There's a burst of noise from the phone. Jared runs his hand through his hair. "Yeah, it _is_ important. Christ, it's my fault. I got him sick and he can barely sit up straight." Jared leaves his sight, goes into the kitchen. Jensen can hear him speaking softly, but he can't make out any more words. He concentrates on how awesome and warm the tea is in his hands. Just like Captain Picard likes it.

"Yeah, fuck you too!" he hears Jared shout into the phone from the kitchen. That sounds bad, so he drags himself up. It's cold without his feet curled up into him, but whatever happened is pretty clearly his fault.

"Jared?" he asks, leaning heavily on the door frame. His voice is croaky and weird.

Jared looks sheepish. "Hey. Sorry. Dude, you shouldn't have gotten up. You look like the living dead, Jensen."

"I was worried," Jensen admits.

"Just Jason," says Jared, sighing. "We broke up."

"Sorry," says Jensen, meaning the opposite.

"It's cool," says Jared. He's stirring soup. Jensen can't actually believe Jared is making him soup. "He was kind of a jerk."

"You should stop dating guys like that," says Jensen. "You're way better than that."

Jared shakes his head. "I like to think so. Come on, you're going back to bed."

"Couch," Jensen corrects.

"We should probably get you to your bed," Jared says thoughtfully.

Jensen shakes his head. "I like yours."

Jared coughs.

"Don't get me sicker!"

"I'm not. I, uh. You want to go to _my_ bed?"

"Couch. Or bed."

"Couch," says Jared. He smiles shakily. "I don't want you getting your snot all over my pillow, man."

"Bedsheets are easier to clean than a couch," Jensen points out, but he goes willingly when Jared guides him back to the couch. It's a nice, big couch. Comfortable. Smells like Jared. "Your stuff smells like you," he comments.

Jared looks at him oddly. "Yeah, it does. Drink your tea, I'll bring soup."

"Thank you," says Jensen, genuinely. He knows he's a sucky sick person, and Jared is just giving into his demands without question, and then losing his boyfriend over it. It's very impressive.

"Yeah," says Jared, lingering for a minute, and then going back to the kitchen.

He lets Jensen lean on him as he drinks his soup and they watch _Aliens_ together. At some point in the evening he finds himself draped on Jared, and he knows he'll regret it when he's feeling better, but until then, he really can't bring himself to care.

*

Jensen wakes up the next morning feeling pretty much the same, except now he's embarrassed as all hell because he spent last night all over Jared, muzzy and confused. And Jared let him, which just makes him feel worse. He's still on Jared's couch, with a blanket on him, and as much as he likes being taken care of when he's sick, he feels fucking _terrible_ about molesting Jared in his flu-haze. Especially when his boyfriend just dumped him. Because of Jensen.

He drags himself across the hall to his own apartment, which he likes way better than Jared's, but which he has to admit isn't _comforting_. Being in Jared's place, with Jared's stuff, made him feel warm and fuzzy inside and he thinks he really needs to do something about these fucking feelings before they get more out of hand.

But first, his brain has to stop trying to escape from his skull. So he's going to get on that.


	3. Chapter 3

Jared comes over at some point and leaves a bowl of soup, with a note that says he's at work and will check on Jensen when he gets back, as well as a numbered list of steps to heat up the soup to maximum deliciousness.

If Jensen hadn't already been in love with Jared, that probably would have pushed him over the edge.

He wraps a blanket over himself and Jared's hoodie and makes his way into the kitchen with his soup and his instructions. His mouth tastes like cotton and his throat hurts horribly, but his day is definitely looking up. Jared's note did not say anything about how Jensen got sick and disgusting all over him (even though he totally did), which means Jared is an amazingly forgiving person who maybe hasn't figured out that Jensen has a crush on him the size of a Star Destroyer.

The soup is still warm and still good, and Jensen settles down in a nest on his couch to play The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. He's got a shitload of time to kill.

*

Jared takes care of Jensen faithfully throughout his sickness. He also makes no comment on Jensen's excessive affection the first night, so Jensen figures he explained Jensen's actions away in some other way. Jensen isn't sure how, but he was pretty sick. It's possible that he hallucinated drooling all over Jared's shoulder. He had a pretty bad fever, after all.

But then, on Tuesday, after Jensen gets back from his first day of post-sickness work, Jared comes to visit. Which, in and of itself, isn't noteworthy. But Jared knocks on the door like a normal person instead of just barging in, and once he gets in he paces around the apartment instead of immediately sprawling out on the couch like he normally does.

"How are you feeling?" he asks. "Was work okay?"

"Yeah, it was fine," says Jensen. "Seriously, thanks for helping out. I know I'm a pretty bad sick person."

Jared laughs, a little nervously. "It was kind of my fault. Gotta man up, you know?"

"Yeah," says Jensen. Jared's pacing is making him confused, and Jared's nervousness is making him nervous. Overall, he doesn't know what's happening.

There's silence for a long moment before Jared says, "Hey," in an odd tone. He's skirting his hand over Jensen's laptop, looking down at the table intently. "You never like my boyfriends."

"You don't like your boyfriends either," Jensen points out. "Or most of your girlfriends. I'm amazed you ever dated Sandy, honestly. She's so far outside your type."

"My type being assholes?"

"I wasn't going to say that," says Jensen.

Jared smiles, still not looking at Jensen. "You're getting better at that. You know, thinking before you talk."

"Yeah, someday I'll be a real boy," says Jensen, trying to lighten the weird tone of the conversation.

Jared laughs, but not for long. "I hope not."

"Hey," says Jensen, giving up, "what's up? You're acting weird. Even I can tell."

"Halloween," says Jared, looking up at Jensen for the first time. "I kissed you. And you stopped me."

Jensen swallows. "Yes." Because that is undeniably true.

"See," Jared says carefully, looking back down at the laptop. "I thought it was because you weren't interested."

Jensen bites back a laugh. The idea is ridiculous, and he'd say it, except he doesn't want to stop Jared now. He really wants to know where this is going.

"But now I'm thinking--you thought I didn't mean it, right?"

"Uh," says Jensen.

"And then you asked me out, and I thought it was as friends, and I kept dating other people, and, basically, we're both stupid," says Jared brightly. "So. You want to go out with me tonight?"

Jensen coughs. He coughs for a long time. "What?"

"On a date," Jared clarifies. "You and me on a date."

"Oh," says Jensen. "You--seriously?"

Jared grins, wide and true. "Absolutely."

"Then, uh. Yeah. Definitely."

"Dinner?" says Jared.

"Yeah," says Jensen. He's kind of dazed. Not even kind of, actually. He's completely poleaxed.

"I'll come pick you up at seven," says Jared.

"You know I don't eat a lot of stuff, right?" says Jensen. "I only like four restaurants."

"I know."

"And I'm kind of crazy."

"Yup."

"You really want to go out with me?"

Jared leans down and kisses Jensen entirely too briefly.

"You have no idea."

"Oh," breathes Jensen.

"So I'll see you at seven," says Jared, and lets himself out.

*  
"He asked _you_ out?" asks Chad.

"For the fifth time, yes."

" _He_ asked _you_ out?"

"For the sixth time, yes," says Jensen. "Can we move on yet? We need to move on."

"He kissed you?" says Gabe.

"He kissed me before," Jensen points out. "Just he was drunk."

"Dude," says Chad. "I am a billion times hotter than you. He should have asked me out."

"But he didn't," says Jensen smugly.

"Yeah, fuck you," says Chad.

"God, he asked me out," says Jensen. "What am I going to wear?"

"Since when are you a girl?" asks Gabe.

"I can't wear this!" says Jensen. "Seriously. Green Lantern? No one gets laid wearing a Green Lantern shirt."

"You want to upgrade to Batman?" asks Gabe.

"I need to wear real clothes," says Jensen. "Nothing with a superhero on it."

"Do you even own anything like that?" asks Chad.

"God, I don't know." Jensen buries his face in his hands. "Seriously, this is the worst idea. Jared's is an alpha-male with an athletic body and evolutionarily desirable physical features, and I'm. Me."

"He asked you out," says Gabe. "He likes you."

Jensen drags himself up. "Okay, let's talk reality here. Jared typically dates tall, broad-shouldered men who wear button-down shirts and tight jeans. So, to be appealing to Jared, I need to look like that."

Chad and Gabe follow him into his room.

"He never dates anyone who wears glasses, so I should wear my contacts."

"Your contacts make your eyes water."

"I'll live. He doesn't date guys with spiky hair either."

"Jensen," says Gabe. "He dates _you_."

"Yeah, today! I gotta think long-term, Gabe. He probably thinks it's a good idea now because he dates bastard guys who don't treat him right. He thinks, hey, Jensen's nice. And I'm not even that nice! So I've gotta do something so he wants another date. Because last time, I was me, and we didn't go out again, and he didn't even notice it was supposed to be a date!"

"I'd go with Gabe and tell you to be yourself, but you're neurotic and fucked up," says Chad. "So let's do a fucking makeover."

"I think you're both idiots," says Gabe.

"Bitch, you can't even talk to girls," says Chad.

"Or tall people."

"Or Hispanic people."

"Or the handicapped," Jensen finishes.

"Shut up," says Gabe. "I _still_ know this is a fucking stupid idea." He considers. "And I might have a girlfriend. So. Fuck you both."

"I just want him to like me," mutters Jensen. He pulls out a black button-down shirt his sister sent him a few years ago, hoping that he'd embrace fashion. "I'm not actually ugly, you know. I just dress weird. And I'm too dorky. So I just have to dress better and talk about normal stuff."

"What normal stuff do you know about?" asks Gabe.

"Tons of stuff!" says Jensen. "Normal people watch _Lost_ , right?"

Chad rubs his forehead. "You are so fucking fucked, Jensen."

"I just have to take it one date at a time," says Jensen. "All I have to do on this one is get another."

He puts in one contact. The prescription is outdated and his eyes water as soon as it's in there. He gets the other one in and the world swims around him.

His jeans are too tight, his shirt is itchy, and he's slightly blind.

"How do I look?" asks Jensen.

"Awkward," says Chad.

"Uncomfortable," says Gabe.

"Hot?" asks Jensen.

"I'd fuck you," says Chad.

"That's not news," says Jensen. "You'd fuck anything."

"Wouldn't fuck Gabe," he says.

"I don't even know why I hang out with you guys," says Gabe.

"Cuz you can't talk to anyone else," says Chad.

"I thought you kind of liked me," says Jensen.

"Kind of," agrees Gabe. "And you're kind of hot, you know, for a dude. But it's stupid. Jared _knows you_ , Jensen."

"Yeah, well, now he'll know I can be hot and not a total freakshow too," says Jensen. "So. It'll be awesome."

"Yeah," says Gabe. "Sure it will."

*

Jensen tries to play video games until seven, but he can't really see very well, and his palms are sweating so much that the controller actually slips out of his hands a couple times.

He does some calculations for his current project, holding the paper close to his face and doing his best to not think about Jared.

But he does, of course. Because Jared--Jared wanted to kiss him at Halloween. Jared had stopped because Jensen had stopped him, not because he wanted to. And now, Jared has expressed an interest, asked him out, and Jensen has nothing to be stressed about. He looks passably hot and normal, and maybe Jared will want to kiss him and fuck him and be his forever.

Jensen would take any one of those three, really.

He hears knocking a little before seven and kind of wants to die. He smooths down his shirt, swallows, and opens the door.

Jared looks shocked. He's wearing his usual button-down shirt and jeans, looking hot and polished as always. "Wow," he says. "Uh. What happened?"

"It's a date," says Jensen. "You dress up for dates."

Jared kind of pokes at his hair. "Did you gel your hair down?"

"Yes."

"Wow," Jared says again. Jensen can't be sure, but he doesn't think it's actually a good wow. "So, are we good to go?"

"Yeah," says Jensen. "Where are we going, anyway?"

"Pizza," says Jared. "You eat at the pizza place down the street, right?"

"Yeah." That's a little worrying, Jensen thinks. Pizza isn't really that romantic. Of course, neither is Big Boy, and Jared _works_ at the Cheesecake Factory, so they can't go there, and the last time they went for Thai Jared hit on their waiter. So they are kind of out of options.

"Awesome," he says.

Jensen tries bringing up stuff Jared will enjoy talking about--he asks him about work, which there apparently isn't much to say about, and his acting search, which has been pretty fruitless. When Jared asks about Jensen's work, Jensen does not go into a long spiel about his current issues with string theory and instead asks about the game last night.

"What game?" asks Jared.

Fuck. "Whichever one you watched?" Jensen tries.

Jared gives him a weird look.

It gets awkward from there. Jensen tries really hard to be normal and rational, and Jared is just kind of closed-off and seems pissed. Which is a bizarre reversal from earlier in the day, when there was asking out and kissing. Jared isn't interested in talking about anything normal that Jensen can come up with, and he tries to be a good conversationalist by bringing up things Jensen likes, but the things Jensen likes are boring and technical and weird, so Jensen avoids those topics.

Jensen isn't sure how not being himself is making this more awkward. Jensen was pretty sure he'd found an apex of awkwardness, a level of awkward all other levels dreamed of achieving. But apparently, not so much.

*

After Jared drops him off, Jensen changes and feels like an idiot. It's an unfamiliar feeling, and he really, really hates it. It seemed impossible to think that he wouldn't at least get a good-night kiss, given he'd already gotten kissed twice on non-date occasions, but Jared Padalecki apparently lives to baffle him.

Still, tomorrow is another day and Jensen thinks he can apologize for whatever it is he did or didn't do and see if Jared is willing to give him one more chance. Jensen is sure he can be less geeky. He can read a book about sports or something. Or just go on wikipedia. He likes that idea, actually, and immediately wikis football, because, seriously, he's a genius. He should be able to figure out the rules of the American pastime. If people who wear trucker hats can do it, then Jensen can too. And then he can figure out ways to make it better. Without knowing anything except that a ball is involved, he's thinking lasers will help. Lasers always help.

The first paragraph is both boring and unchallenging, though, and Jensen welcomes the distraction when someone knocks on his door.

He opens it without thinking about his clothes--Flash t-shirt and flannel pajama pants--or his glasses or his hair, or really anything, so of course it's Jared.

"Okay, seriously, we need to talk," says Jared, and then he blinks. "Oh good, you didn't burn your clothes."

"What?"

"What the hell happened tonight?"

"An unsuccessful date?"

"Yeah, but _why_?"

"I think pizza isn't actually very good for dates. Not romantic."

"It wasn't the pizza! It was _you_."

Jensen flinches.

"No, I mean--Jesus, Jensen. What was with you earlier?"

"Nothing! I was being normal."

"Normal for who?"

Jensen is starting to get the problem, but he's not sure he likes it. "People!" he says. "The people you date."

"The people I date suck, Jensen," says Jared.

"But you date them," Jensen says quietly.

"God," says Jared, "for a genius, you're fucking retarded."

And then Jared leans down and gives Jensen a goodnight kiss that really doesn't feel like goodnight.

"I like," says Jared, with his lips still against Jensen's, "your stupid t-shirts and your weird pants and your geeky hobbies. Because they're real. And they're _you_. I like the way you never try to be anyone else," he says, pulling back enough that Jensen can see him roll his eyes after he says it. "Except, apparently, when I ask you out."

"I didn't want you to think you made a mistake," mutters Jensen. He's not sure why he admits it, but it seems important.

Jared laughs. "Yeah, you did really well with that."

"Shut up," says Jensen. "I had a lot of data on your relationships and preferences."

"Did you make a spreadsheet about my type?" asks Jared. "I bet you did. Can I see it?"

"No," says Jensen petulantly.

Jared's smile upgrades to a grin. "But you made one."

"Shut up."

"So," says Jared, stepping closer to Jensen. Given how close he already was to Jensen, this is somewhat alarming. But not objectionable. "What's it say?"

"What?"

Jared bends down to suck on Jensen's neck. "Your spreadsheet about my type."

"Uh," says Jensen, because Jared is giving him a hickey and he's having trouble thinking. Jensen's brain has never failed before, but Jared is giving him a hickey, and that's at least making his brain get a B+. Which is the closest it's ever come to failing. "Tall."

"Mm," says Jared. "You're tall."

"Attractive face."

"Check."

"Muscular."

"Good enough."

"You like," Jensen manages, as Jared slips a hand under his shirt, "lips and eyes."

"Christ, have you _seen_ your lips and eyes?"

"Not very often," Jensen admits. "They're on my face."

"Well," says Jared. "You're fucking exactly my type. Once you get past the clothes and the glasses."

"Exactly!" says Jensen, and his scientific triumph is so awesome that he pulls away from Jared's wandering hands and mouth. "That's why I didn't wear them."

Jared's eyes go dark. "Trust me, Jensen," he says, "if you didn't wear clothes, that date would have gone really differently."

"We wouldn't have gotten into the restaurant," Jensen points out. "They have rules about that. No shirt, no shoes--"

Jared laughs, but it's kind of strained. "Just so I know what I'm getting myself into--you have a sex drive, right? Please, please say you have a sex drive. I know you've mentioned, like. That you have sex. Sometimes."

"Of course I have a sex drive," says Jensen. "I spent a month thinking I just wanted to sleep with you."

He immediately regrets saying that.

Jared grins. "What happened after a month?"

Jensen doesn't say anything. He can still save this situation.

"You stop wanting to sleep with me?"

"No!" says Jensen. It is imperative that Jared realizes Jensen still wants to sleep with him.

"Just not tonight?" asks Jared. "Cuz I can understand wanting to go slow."

Jensen blinks at this, reviews the evening.

Times Jared has kissed him: 2  
Hickeys he has received from Jared: 1  
Articles of clothing Jared was clearly thinking about removing from Jensen: 1

"Oh," says Jensen. Then he drags Jared's face down and kisses him.

Jared laughs into his mouth. "I swear to God, you're insane."

"Genius," mutters Jensen.

"Mad genius," says Jared. "Frankenstein style. Does it get you hot that I know Frankenstein is the doctor, not the monster?"

Jensen does not admit that it does.

Jared slides one hand under Jensen's shirt, places the other against Jensen's cheek and kisses him again, harder. It's almost like Halloween, except there's no alcohol on Jared's breath and Jensen understands much better what's happening.

Jensen grasps Jared's hips, walking backwards and pulling Jared towards his room. He's been wanting to fuck Jared since he first saw Jared, and if Jared is willing to ignore the disaster that was their first date and have sex anyway, Jensen certainly isn't going to object.

Jared's hand is roaming all over Jensen's chest, like he can't find where he likes best. Jensen groans when he brushes by a nipple, and Jared grins into his mouth. "Where's your bed?" he asks.

"I'm working on it," says Jensen, tugging Jared farther. Jared keeps kissing him, sloppy and distracting, and Jensen's weirdly sluggish brain takes longer than it should to remember where things are, how not to trip over small pieces of furniture and action figures. Jared, of course, never knew that, stumbles and laughs and curses, and Jensen can't believe this is actually happening.

Jared trips over the dresser and they tumble into the bed; Jensen's barely recovered when Jared's pulling off his shirt and mouthing at his chest, licking and tugging at his nipple.

That's one thing Jensen can't do better for himself, and he hisses and arches.

"Knew you'd be hot," murmurs Jared. "Fuck."

Jensen pulls himself together enough to tug Jared's shirt off too, to take in the broad planes and slopes of his body. His skin practically glows, which Jensen knows isn't possible and is him romanticizing, but he doesn't care. He almost wants to take a picture to send to Chad with a little :P face, except he doesn't really want to share this with anyone. And Chad might actually come over and try to join in. Chad's that guy.

Jared goes back to his nipple and Jensen laces his fingers in Jared's hair, tight in the curls at his neck. When Jared's mouth starts moving lower, Jensen almost wants to sing.

"Hey," says Jared, looking up from the vicinity of Jensen's fly. "Can I...?"

"Yeah," manages Jensen. "But I've got, uh. Some stuff first."

"Now?" says Jared. "Dude, my pants aren't even off yet, I can't do a condom."

"No," says Jensen, flailing at the nightstand. He finds his clipboard and shoves it at Jared.

Jared looks dazed. "Jensen. Why do I need a clipboard."

"It's how I like to be touched," says Jensen. "Ideal angles, amounts of--"

"Jensen," says Jared, "if you finish that sentence, we are never having sex."

"Why?"

"I can't even...you seriously did _calculations_ about how to jerk off?"

"It was inefficient," mutters Jensen.

"That is the most freakish thing I have ever heard in my life," says Jared.

"I was sixteen," says Jensen. "It was _distracting_."

There's a pause. "So you experimented til you got it right?" asks Jared huskily.

"Of course," says Jensen.

"Jesus Christ," says Jared. He falls sideways so instead of being on top of Jensen, he's lying next to him on the bed.

"What?"

"Thinking about horny teenage you jerking off at every possible angle for hours."

"Yeah, pretty much," agrees Jensen.

"God, that's hot."

"I tried absolutely everything. That's why I have the chart. These are the best."

"Yeah," says Jared. "No. Cuz my hand is way bigger than yours. And I can use my mouth. So. You're gonna need some new data."

"Hmm," says Jensen. "You might be right."

"Trust me," says Jared, "I'm right."

Jensen's willing to agree until Jared starts kissing him again, because that means Jared's mouth is, sadly, no longer on Jensen's body.

But kissing Jared is better than Jensen had ever anticipated, even having kissed him before. Jared seems to _like_ kissing, just likes having his mouth against Jensen's. Jensen surprises himself by liking it too.

Maybe being in love with someone means you like everything they do. Jensen isn't really sure.

Jared's hands move down Jensen's chest to the waistband of his pants, and Jensen wants to fucking cry. The closest he's come to sex since meeting Jared was that abortive attempt with Kyle, and what little they'd done was like eating a burger when he really wanted Thai. It hadn't helped the way he was fucking horny and fucking wanted Jared. It probably wouldn't have helped even if it had actually turned into sex.

He whimpers a little as Jared shoves his pajamas down and gets his hand around Jensen's dick. The thing is, Jared was right--his hands are gigantic and completely different from Jensen's own. All of Jensen's previous data is now completely useless, because Jensen has never done anything to himself that feels as good as Jared being all over him, Jared slowly jerking him off, Jared's lips still moving against Jensen's uncoordinatedly.

"Jesus," says Jensen, as Jared shifts, his mouth moving down onto Jensen's chin, possibly without his noticing.

Awkwardly, working around Jared's hands, Jensen manages to get Jared's jeans undone and shoves them down. Jared is still wearing underwear, though, and Jensen makes a noise of frustration.

Jared laughs shakily. "Come on, genius, I think you can fix this."

"Fuck you," says Jensen.

"I wanted to fuck you," says Jared earnestly.

"Oh," says Jensen, mostly because he's gotten Jared's boxers off and holy fucking Christ. Jensen's usually pretty good at math, but apparently he underestimated Jared Padalecki's penis. "God, yes, please."

Jared grins. "I'm finding my own angle."

"We can experiment," Jensen suggests. Because this isn't a one-time thing, he's sure. It can't be. "See what works best."

Jared kisses him again, still sloppy, and then moves down Jensen's body so his lips are right there, above Jensen's dick. "Yeah, we can."

Jensen goes to take his glasses off, anticipating a lot of awesome shit going down, but Jared says, "Leave 'em. Want you to see."

Then he licks his lips and Jensen is getting a blowjob.

In his many estimations of how sex with Jared would go, Jensen had not actually taken into account how much more experience Jared has than him. Partially, he thinks, because it makes him jealous thinking about it, but also just because he's never really been with anyone who's had a lot of sex. Most of Jensen's conquests have been like him--antisocial, weird, and very comfortable with their own hands. So he wasn't sure, exactly, how experience would change things.

Jared is _good at this_ , taking Jensen in far, his eyes shut. Jensen has to admit, he's glad he's seeing this, seeing the way Jared's mouth moves around his cock, putting together his facial expressions and the sounds he's making. And, seriously, if Jared doesn't stop soon, Jensen's going to be done before any actual sex happens, which he doesn't want.

He pulls Jared's hair lightly, and the pop as Jared releases him almost does him in all by itself.

" _Sex_ ," Jensen says.

Jared grins. "See, now you're talking like a normal person."

Jensen fumbles around--condoms and lube are much harder to find than his clipboard, but he has them. "I slightly underestimated your size," he says, shoving the condoms at Jared. "So they better work."

Jared looks a little dazed, then he grins. "You bought condoms for me? When?"

Jensen blushes.

"Aww, honey," says Jared, kissing him _again_. "You shouldn't have."

"You really like kissing," Jensen comments.

"You don't?"

"Never did it much," says Jensen.

"Huh," says Jared, spreading lube on his fingers. "Better get used to it."

"We're going to do it more?" Jensen asks. It comes out more hopeful than he planned.

"Every day, if you let me," Jared says.

"The average length of your relationships is 8.4 days," says Jensen. "So..."

"So I'm planning on making this one last," says Jared. "You're not just some guy I met at the bus stop, Jensen. At this point? You're pretty much my best friend."

Jared says this as he's circling Jensen's hole with his finger, and Jensen is amazed by how much better a real emotional component makes sex. "Oh," is all he actually manages to say, but his hips also jerk, so he's hoping Jared gets that he's in support of all that.

"Yeah," says Jared, kissing Jensen more as he slips his finger in.

Jensen hasn't had anal sex in one-hundred-thirty-five days, and hasn't had anal sex in which he was on bottom in five-hundred-seventy-eight days. He has finger-fucked himself somewhat regularly since then, but it's always different having someone else inside of him. Now, Jared's finger is in his ass and Jared's tongue is in his mouth and it feels amazing, so good he barely notices the pain as Jared stretches him.

Jared is _really good at this_. Of course, it definitely hasn't been one-hundred-thirty-five days since Jared last had sex.

The pain doesn't get noticeable until Jared has two fingers scissoring in him, and that's luckily pretty closely followed by Jared hitting his prostate. The moan Jensen can't bite back breaks their kiss and Jared grins, relentlessly strokes Jensen with his fingers, and goes back to kissing him, like that's his default or something. Jensen is really having to revise all his previous opinions on kissing. Or at least on kissing Jared. Of course, Jensen isn't really planning on kissing anyone other than Jared, possibly ever again. It's their first time sleeping together and Jensen already feels pretty much ruined for everyone else for life.

Jared pulls away and pants, "Ready?"

Jensen manages a nod, because at some point between the kissing and the prostate-massaging, Jared got another finger in, and Jensen is really just desperate for more at this point.

Jared starts getting the condom on and looks, completely nonsensically, worried. "Is it okay like this?" he asks, gesturing to the way Jensen is spread out on the bed, clearly waiting to get fucked. "Or, you can, uh, turn over or...whatever?"

"Jared," says Jensen, "if I have a problem, I'll tell you."

"With diagrams?" asks Jared, smiling a little.

" _Calculations_ ," he says, and then he drags Jared down for a kiss, mostly so Jared knows he doesn't mind that part either. Because he doesn't.

And then, Jared starts fucking him.

Jensen's brain actually slams off, his entire world reduced to feelings, possibly for the first time in his life. Jared is huge and filling him up, Jared's hands are firm on his hips, and Jared is strong enough he could possibly just drag Jensen up and down on his cock if he felt the need. Jensen gasps and whimpers and, finally, he is pretty sure, starts reciting the digits of pi to try to keep himself from losing it completely while Jared sucks on his neck and calls him a freak and keeps fucking him.

But then Jared starts jerking Jensen off with the same sure, hard strokes he used before, and there's nothing he can do to keep from falling apart, gasping out Jared's name and wishing they'd gotten started doing this months ago.

Jared isn't far behind him, his thrusts getting uneven and strange, and he drops his forehead against Jensen's shoulder and groans as he comes.

Then, of course, he kisses Jensen again, murmurs things like "so good," "so hot," and "Jensen," like all these things had not just been implied by the way they were fucking.

Jensen figures he's going to have to be the practical one, gets the condom off, ties it, and throws it out, gets tissues to clean them up. Jared watches him the whole time, looking awed and fond.

"What?" says Jensen.

"You know I really like you, right?"

"I guess," says Jensen, coloring slightly. He hates that he does it. "Why?"

"Do I like you?"

"Are you asking," Jensen clarifies.

"Because I'm happy, you tool," says Jared.

"I am too," Jensen protests.

"Awesome," says Jared. "Get over here."

"I really don't have that kind of recovery time," says Jensen.

"Not to--you don't have weird neuroses about people sharing your bed, do you?"

Jensen considers this. "Never tried."

Jared smiles, scoots over so he's on the wet spot, pats the other side of the bed. "So can I stay?"

Jensen climbs in next to him, not shocked to find post-coital Jared apparently likes draping himself all over Jensen and nuzzling his hair. "I might kick you out in the middle of the night," says Jensen. "Just so you know."

"We'll work on that," says Jared, kissing the top of Jensen's ear. It's ridiculously sappy and Jensen doesn't understand at all, but it seems to make Jared happy, so he gives up, snuggles back against Jared, and falls asleep.

*

Jensen wakes up with someone on him, which is terrifying. He shoves them off, jumps out of bed, and is scrambling for his pepper spray before he notices that it's Jared.

"Jesus!" says Jared. He's sprawled awkwardly half off the bed, looking confused. "What the fuck?"

"I thought you were an assailant," mutters Jensen. "I warned you," he adds.

Jared rubs his forehead. "Freak."

"You could have been trying to smother me," Jensen points out.

"Is that pepper spray?"

Jensen hides it behind his back. "No."

"Just...shut up and come back to bed," Jared mutters, pulling himself back up.

"I have work," Jensen points out.

"Damn," says Jared. "There go my dreams of early morning blowjobs."

"Uh," says Jensen. "Later?"

"Better be. Do you want me to go back to my place?"

Jensen pulls on his glasses and takes a minute to appreciate that Jared is naked in his bed. Jensen has an amazing life with many awesome parts. Even if he did nearly pepper-spray his maybe-boyfriend.

"Nah, you can stay here," he says. "I don't mind."

Jared grins up at him. "Hallelujah. I'm going to bed."

And then he does, pretty much immediately falls asleep in a messy pile of limbs on Jensen's bed.

It's the first time Jensen has left his bed unmade that he can remember. Possibly the first time in his life. He's sore and has some hickeys his t-shirt might not cover and he doesn't even care.

Jensen is fucking _happy_.

*

Things go amazingly unbelievably well for eight days. Jared hangs around Jensen's apartment as much as he ever did, except now when he does it he's always a little draped on Jensen--an arm around his shoulder, legs absently tossed in his lap, that kind of thing. Jared kisses him whenever he feels like it, except that Chad says that he's not allowed to do it when other people are visiting because that shit is disgusting. This, predictably, makes Jared kiss Jensen more, and also occasionally lick him. Even Jensen sometimes thinks it's disgusting.

They sleep in the same bed most nights, and Jensen even stops assaulting Jared after a couple days. He wakes up knowing who's with him, and it fills him with warm and fuzzy feelings. He's amazed Chad and Gabe are even willing to hang out with him when he's like this. He has a ridiculous grin on his face all the time, he's sure. But he's got his boyfriend and his friends and sex, and everything is great.

When they hit eight days, Jensen gets concerned, because this is the average length of Jared's relationships, and Jared doesn't even seem to have considered the idea that they might break up.

Jensen assumes this is because of Jared's whole "best friend" argument, which is one Jensen has a little trouble with. Jensen has never actually had enough friends to necessitate bringing one ahead as the best one. And he's picky enough with just the term "friend," so adding in another level of intimacy seems needlessly stressful and complicated.

But Jared did pretty quickly become a friend, and then a best friend, if Jensen had to choose one. It helps that Jared's competition for the title is probably Chad.

So because they're friends, Jared apparently thinks they won't break up. Which is stupid, because Jared is friends with Sandy, and they broke up.

The explanation hits him in the middle of a heated makeout session on Jared's couch, and he pulls away to say, "You're in love with me!"

Jared blinks. "Huh?"

"That's why you don't think we're going to break up."

"I don't think we're going to break up because you aren't some random guy I met at a bar who I don't know anything about. I already know all your annoying habits."

"No you don't," says Jensen confidently. He has a ton of annoying habits. Jared is going to be discovering them for years to come.

"Okay, fine. But still."

"So you're not in love with me?"

Jared blushes.

"Ha, you are! I knew it!"

"Jensen."

"We can do this quiz I found on the internet. It didn't work before we were dating."

Jared stares at him. "You took a quiz on the internet to figure out if you were in love with me?"

Jensen realizes he should not have admitted that. "Of course not."

"You asked the internet if you were in love with me."

"No."

Jared grins. "What did it tell you?"

"I hate you."

"That's not what it told you."

Jensen sighs. He's going to have to have this conversation. It's going to suck. "I couldn't figure it out. So I, uh, called Kyle. To see if I liked making out with him as much as I liked making out with you."

"And?"

Jensen glares at him. "Of course I didn't."

Jared laughs his ass off for about five minutes. Then he regains his breath, tells Jensen he's amazing, and they have sex on the couch.

Jensen is pretty sure they're going to make it past eight days.

*

"So," says Jared, absently tangling his fingers in Jensen's hair. Jared likes talking after sex. Jensen is glad Jared also has weird habits he needs to get used to. It makes him feel like they're on more equal footing. The post-coital cuddling on the couch is also baffling; Jensen just has to accept that Jared cares way more about snuggling with him than he does about personal comfort. "I'm thinking of writing a book. Romance For Geniuses."

Jensen manages enough energy to turn his head and give Jared a look.

"See, it'd be like those For Dummies books," Jared continues. "Except instead of teaching normal people about complicated stuff, it would teach you about your emotions."

"I hate you," says Jensen.

"Now see, if you read the book, you'd know that's not true."

Jensen glares, and Jared leans over to kiss him, slow and happy, and Jensen kisses him back. Jensen really fucking likes kissing him back.

At this point, the book is completely unnecessary. Jensen knows exactly how he feels.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Your Brains Are No Match For My Tractorbeam (Podfic)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6640054) by [juice817](https://archiveofourown.org/users/juice817/pseuds/juice817)




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